


air

by lovestillaround



Series: see-through (like a very thin leaf) [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21718888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: he goes out to buy a clock
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: see-through (like a very thin leaf) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565380
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	air

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a series set in an alternate universe, inspired by my experiences with mental illness and stuff related to that. The order of the stories in the series will not be chronological. In this oneshot, the relationship between Dan and Phil is far in the background.

So, he goes outside. He _manages_ to go outside. He brings his numb limbs to move, and he convinces himself that his fears aren’t that bad today, that they won’t stop him from leaving the house.

He convinces himself that he can make it.

He goes outside and it’s the strangest feeling when everything changes. Almost suddenly, because it starts to change before he leaves the flat. He washes his face, puts semi-clean clothes on, then his shoes, then jacket. He takes his wallet, his phone, headphones, and a cotton tote bag.

And he goes, down the stairs and into the outside world, and then it hits him.

The air. Cold, chilly, wintery air. All of the sudden, he can breathe without difficulty again. He catches himself having his mouth open, but he can’t quite bring himself to close it because this air is too good. It’s so fresh and icy that he wants it inside his mouth. He wants to feel it on his tongue.

He walks, and he notices that he moves like a robot – but like a graceful robot. His steps are light, _so light_ , like he’s made of foam or cotton puffs, or like he’s a creamy dessert filled with thousands of small air bubbles. In a way, he can’t believe that he can feel like this, that he can feel so good.

He crosses the backyard that normally looks quite ordinary to him, old, not appealing really. Today it looks like an artistic scenery, like the setting of an indie film. Today it looks almost pretty.

The headphones are in the pocket of his jacket, so he takes them out, tries to untangle them, fast, fast, _faster_ , because he doesn’t have time, he needs to devour this feeling.

His hands are shaking slightly when he puts the earbuds in and when he plugs the jack in, and they’re still shaking when he taps the icon of the app. His phone works too slow, and he barely pays attention to the pavement. _He needs to pay more attention_ , he tells himself as he looks around briefly and then goes back to choosing a playlist.

When the music finally plays, he wants to cry. _It’s beautiful._ It’s so beautiful that he wants to listen to it forever, he wants to feel like this _always_.

He can _feel_ the music. It fills up his throat, and his chest is full of it. The music travels through his nerves to the tips of his hands, and he feels like a _god_. He doesn’t do anything, he's just walking, yet in this moment he feels like he’s performing. He doesn’t sing, he doesn’t play, but he’s full of music, full of beauty, from the first sound that he hears to the last sound that a living creature will ever make.

He walks (quickly, airy) and gets to the road that is long and that gives him a better view of the sky. It’s almost completely dark, the streetlights are lit, and everything looks _so beautiful_.

But then a group of young people passes him, and he’s scared of them. It feels like they are all looking at him. Judging him silently. He almost shivers, but he ignores the thought, tries to ignore the feeling. He focuses back on watching the surroundings to the soundtrack of his music.

The sky looks so beautiful. If Dan were here, he would nudge him and say, _Dan, look at the sky, isn’t it beautiful?_ _That building looks so beautiful, Dan, do you see it?_ He would point with his finger at the streetlamp and say, _the light is so pretty, Dan, it’s so pretty, it’s almost as pretty as you_.

But Dan’s not here, so Phil’s just talking to himself in his mind, soundlessly.

-

He hits an older lady with his elbow when he’s at the checkout. He just wants to pay, he reaches back to take out his wallet the exact moment that lady goes by. He doesn’t see her, and he hits her.

She doesn’t seem to be offended. She even apologises.

 _I hit a woman in the face with my elbow_ is the thought that will come back to him a couple more times before he falls asleep.

-

He bought an alarm clock, because he knows he won’t wake up without it. He needs to put something on the other end of his room and actually get up to gain some consciousness.

(And he feels unsafe without his phone, so he can’t leave it far away, he needs another device to put there, he needs to sleep right next to his phone.)

He buys the clock, and he also buys food because he knows that he should eat. He tries to ignore the pang of guilt that hits him every time he thinks how much money he’s spending on it.

(He’s not working. He’s being a parasite, even if he’s just spending his own savings.)

On his way back home, the world looks a little less pretty.

-

He gets back to his flat and the reality of his life hits him, but slowly. It takes – a few minutes maybe. He dances through the flat to the music that he put on speaker, not caring about putting away any of the groceries he bought. It’s like the last fast spins of the washing machine before the cycle is done. He dances to the music, still full of energy, and eventually he slouches onto the couch.

The moment he does it, his head starts to feel heavy. He can barely hold it upright, so he leans back onto the couch, and then he also leans right, against his will, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

He wants someone to undress him. He can’t find any internal motivation to move, to do anything.

He wants to text Dan, but right now, he doesn’t have enough energy to do that.

He looks at his phone that he left on the desk, and he listens to the music that’s still playing.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/post/189551003678/air-part-1-of-see-through-like-a-very-thin-leaf)


End file.
